My friends call me W

Grab your head by the hair and I hack it off, put on display in the front of the yard, on a stick that’s decorated with a little pink bow, and a sign that says “her friends and family should have taught her more about love”

I’m nicotine, I’m a cash machine I’m the color green and you should have seen the looks I justreceived. I need a reason to let go. An intervention, a lullaby, something to cure me please believe me

What three things did you learn today?

1) the warranty on batteries for T Mobile phones that have insurance is somewhere between 3 and 12 months

2) the face on the Lion King poster looks like a butt

3) people think you’re going to die when you tell then you got your motorcycle license

Finishing a book always fills me with a sense of accomplishment. Finishing a book in two days is even better

I went to check out Sodaro’s new house and he started watching Jumper

Mob: hey let’s lock up this old man! He’s obviously crazy, talking about a ten foot Beast

Belle: he ain’t crazy look at this magic mirror, the Beast is right there

Gaston: *leads a group song about going to kill the Beast*

In literally thirty second they go from locking a guy up for thinking there’s a Beast, to storming a castle so they can kill it

Here’s a blog I wrote about Bindi Irwin in 2007

I can honestly say that the death of Steve “the Crocodile Hunter” Irwin was one of the saddest events in my life. Not because of the things he did for the environment or his unconditional love for animals, but because it paved way for his daughter to step onto center stage. Bindi Irwin has to be the most annoying little girl on the planet. There’s something about her stupid pig tails, monkey face, and dumb khaki shorts that make me want to throw myself out a window. Every time I hear that squeaky little voice and annoying accent, I want to set my television on fire. I remember watching the memorial service that was held at the Australian Zoo after Steve Irwin’s death. Little Bindi went on stage and gave a gut wrenching speech about how much she’ll miss her daddy. Instead of crying for her situation, I was crying because of the pain her voice caused me. I’d rather be as deaf as Anne Frank than listen to that little girl talk.

            I had the misfortune of catching a glimpse of her stupid show on Animal Planet called “Bindi the Jungle Girl”. The set was painted to look like a forest and she was singing some stupid song about cheetahs running fast. If that wasn’t bad enough she had back up dancers doing some kind of weird sock hop. It looked like a mediocre “Thriller” video. I promptly cancelled my cable subscription so I would never mistakenly catch a glimpse of Bindi singing again.

“Here’s a list of things I’d rather do than listen to Bindi Irwin talk:

-          Slit my wrists

-          Jump off a building

-          Watch soccer

-          Fight a bear

-          Watch “The Notebook”

-          Read Oprah Magazine

-          Buy a Celine Dion CD

-          Eat a cactus

-     Allow women the right to vote and pass legislation obligating employers to pay equal wages for equal work.  

-          Kill Steve Irwin

            What happened to the days when kids watched cool shows like Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Yu-Gi-Oh!, or the Sopranos? If you ask me, all these shows about animals are highly dangerous. Kids are going to walk around thinking it’s alright to play with cheetahs and wild boars. They’ll wind up getting bit or mauled and that’s only going to lead to the attacking animal being captured and euthanized. When you think about it, Bindi Irwin is causing more harm to animals than anything. For the good of wildlife everywhere, I demand that “Bindi the Jungle Girl” be taken off the air.”

All my loves they come back to haunt me. My regrets, they text and they taunt me